


are you bored, yet?

by ikaino



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, I promise this is good, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slice of life (?), Too many tags but yea, an argument sparked between u and tsukki, eventual angst, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:54:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26076004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikaino/pseuds/ikaino
Summary: Tsukishima Kei thinks that the biggest enemy of your relationship was him and his thoughts, but despite the dreads, he could only wish that your relationship wouldn’t reach its downfall. Until college happened and he remembered that maybe.. he wasn’t fit for a relationship after all.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on [ tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lcaita/)

The first time he met you was when he was a third year during his high school days – Tsukishima Kei was not only astonished, but he was also perplexed when the sight of you tripping on air in front of him, had occurred. 

He recalled seeing perturbation being shown on your cheeks as you hurriedly stood up, disregarding the fact that he was in your presence before rushing through the hallways; if he was speaking theoretically — he could practically see you run off with your tail tucked in behind you as you sprint, never even bothering to send a glance back. 

He thinks you’re cute though

(but it’s not like he’d see you all the time, so this point was only justified whenever he sees you at lunch time). 

At his third year’s perspective, he could only stood proud and tall while he strives for his best — and thinking back to his friends: Bokuto, Kuroo, Akaashi and even Kenma, all had graduated and taught him that volleyball was in fact, highly enjoyable — all while thriving through the cold simmer of air whenever he scores a point; he thinks all of this is indeed fun, but what wasn’t fun was the fact that he thinks he’s forming a crush. 

Tsukishima supposed that crushes weren’t even in his vocabulary until he saw you. 

The same girl who keeps tripping mid air while managing to look pretty (at least to him — but he definitely admits that you sometimes looked absurd) all while casting him the look of embarrassment, he swore he can sometimes interpret the words your gazes seem to elucidate — an iris full of meanings that only he wanted to decode, to adore. 

He’s never uttered a single word or phrase to you during his time in high school, because in his mind, all of this was a seemless puppy love (or at least that’s what he always forces himself to think). Tsukishima had never been a man to initiate things, he preferred to strive at times where he knew the moment would benefit him – or if the result of his action would be deemed enough as befitting for him. 

And as a result of his spared glances, it only resulted in his closest friend noticing the way he sends repeatedly mirthless – and maybe even hopeful? – glances at the corridors of the floor his classroom was in; the same floor where you had classes too. 

“Oh, so it _is_ a crush.” 

Tsukishima can only freeze for a millisecond before turning his head away, in hopes that his friend wouldn’t notice the way his face seemed to react to the word ‘crush’. 

“No it’s not. Shut up.” 

Yamaguchi sent him a knowing glance before shaking his head, muttering words that were only loud enough for him to hear. 

“You know, sometimes it wouldn’t hurt to admit something.”

When he lifts his head to look after his friend he was only faced with the sight of the latter sitting down on his seat with a frown; the sight made him turn back to his notes as he lets himself wander within the endless thoughts of ‘what ifs’ and ‘what do i say’ — because there are times where he finds himself being inquisitive about certain phrases, only this time.. 

If he were to be honest, he didn’t want to know the real interpretation behind Yamaguchi’s words. 

Then came the day where he finally started a conversation with you. 

“Wait.” 

You stop on your tracks as he stands a few feet away from where you were, and while you only blinked back at his sudden disruption, he only lets out a breath before pointing to your shoes. 

“Oh..” 

The gesture made you immediately look to your shoes and it was in fact, untied. Kneeling on the floor to tie the shoelaces, you quickly tied it before turning to look at him with a smile. 

“Thank you.” 

It was a simple phrase — yet he was already out of the bounds with a florid face. 

Tsukishima briefly recalled the words his friend articulated with solemnity, and thinking deliberately about it, the realization only brought him to his foreboding discovery –

– that he _does_ have a crush on you. 

He stands a few feet away from you but he could faintly distinguish the pink that’s slowly appearing on your cheeks the moment you two made eye contact. 

He nods (not trusting his voice because he thinks the propensity was quite off). 

“I’ll see you then..” 

The interactions between you two didn’t even cease, and as a matter of fact, it only grew in number. The engagements that would happen was mostly him passing by you and your friends at the hallways, him nodding in acknowledgment as his friend shot him a bemused look; you on the other hand, only remained civil and attempted to match his vibes and only nodded back – but truth to be told, you weren’t even certain yourself as to why Tsukishima himself, the embodiment of apathy, was giving so much thought into acknowledging your presence. 

It wasn’t like you were an eye candy, or someone who’s constantly inclining people’s attention on you. 

So what made you different from the rest? 

You feel a tap on your shoulder as you talk to your friends, the hushed voices suddenly ceasing as you turn to face the newcomer. You look up to see Tsukishima sporting the same frown on his face as he always does, “Can I talk to you for a moment?” 

You were quick to blink back, feeling slightly dumbfounded. 

“What for?” 

He raises a hand to his hair and slightly turns his head away. “About English.” 

Your brows furrowed for a second as you looked back at him, silently wondering what the predicament brought you into — because this man, standing in front of you, isn’t even in the same class as you.

You hear giggles from behind and you didn’t waste a thought into thinking that the squeals and hushed murmurs were coming from your friends, but what for? Not thinking too much about it, you follow him into a secluded area — near the staircase where he stops on his tracks while heaving a sigh. 

“I was lying.” 

You could only tilt your head to the side with a sound of confusion. 

“Huh – what do you mean?” 

He draws out another breath (because he wished he made it clear that he called you for a confession and not an interrogation about English), the disquieting nuance not only made his skin crawl due to nervousness, but he can deliberately feel the way his voice started to quiver in the slightest manner. However, he could only stand frozen on his toes, hands adhered to his sides with a wavering gaze. 

“You better not think too much about this – I don’t even know if you knew but..” he chuckles, licking his lower lip – because of all times, when he was about to profess his so-called crush for you why did it have to go dry? – “I think I like you. No. I like you. Like.. Actual. I can’t even explain why because it’s hard to distinguish the reason behind this – you’re just the annoying girl who keeps tripping on nothing and yet, here I am, catching feelings for you.” 

_What in the world?_ You furrow your brows in confusion. _Is he confessing or is he just insulting me?_

He subsequently lowers his gaze after his declaration, his right hand curling up into a fist, letting his nails drag against the skin in response to his own confession. He couldn’t help but let his mind prod at anxiety, and as the time passed second by second, he could only stand frozen and remain abashed due to his own propensity. 

When he turned to quickly shoot you a curious glance, he only swallowed and sighed in exasperation, letting his impatience wash over him as you stared at him wide eyed. 

“I actually like you and it’s annoying.” 

The precipitated catharsis that he professed had you furrowing your brows in astonishment, mouth opening agape in a slight manner with no words being uttered out loud, because here you were, being stuck in amidst confusion attempting for your brain to process the events that just occurred. You couldn’t help but examine his facial features, searching for a figurative jest that he might be hiding or even a small tinge of smile that he could be feigning under the guise of his frown. 

But no, he was, in fact, serious. 

You weren’t certain if that thought alone made your cheeks warm up or if it only made your hands dead cold. 

“What changed then?” 

He shoots you a questioning look, as if to scrutinize your baseless question. 

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out, dummy. I think seeing you more during these days just made me think about my feelings for you and just.. I don’t know, perhaps sprouted more? Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I want to be in a relationship right now but —” Unconsciously, the ends of his lips tugged upwards into a small smile as he talks, but it was stopped momentarily the moment his gaze landed on you – who was sporting a frown, clearly showing a hint of disinterest.. or was it annoyance? He couldn’t pinpoint. 

“Tsukishima-san?” 

“What?” 

You took a step back before pursing your lips. “You’re very confusing, you know?” 

But instead of denying it, he only agreed back. 

“I know.” 

He noticed the way your expression faltered in the slightest manner but he paid no mind to it, and instead, let out another muted sigh of relief. 

But when his gaze landed on your lips, he could vividly witness the way it also curled upwards into a smile. Not that he was also smiling back. 

(but dear goodness - since when did your smile become so contagious?) 

His predicament had gone by in a whim, but even so, the reminiscent of you being unable to give him an answer was bothering him. Moreover, the thought had him questioning if you were only being friendly because you couldn’t find the judgement to give him an answer, but nonetheless, at least he gave his confession. 

He could rest for now, he thinks. 

“So.. lunch time is almost over, should we go back now?” He coughs. 

“Tsukishima-san, your ears are red!” 

He’s quick to shoot you a playful glare, feeling his cheeks heat up at your pointed statement. 

(“You are going to be the death of me.” He thinks to himself). 

“Shut up, let’s go.” 

He returns back to Yamaguchi’s side with a mirthless expression, subtly turning his face away from sight in hopes that his friend wouldn’t be able to see the smile he’s desperately trying to hide. Though his attempts became futile because he received a small jab on his side, his close friend shot him a knowing look and a smile. 

“Wh–” 

“So are you two a thing now?” 

He almost sputters out in response – his cheeks almost heating up (and he couldn’t even deny the way his thoughts quickly gathered up images of you and him together). He shakes his head. 

“No.” He looks at his friend. “She didn’t give me an answer.” 

Yamaguchi only laughs. 

“Well, Tsukki, some girls are like that. She probably got caught off guard with your confession, just give her a few days and she’ll probably give you the answer soon.” 

He only remained quiet. 

(he couldn’t really bring himself to openly show that he was actually feeling anxious). 

For the next few days, he waited, and waited, and waited — choosing to dwell under all of his thoughts, but it’s not like he was losing his sanity from waiting for your answer, it was more of an ‘overthinking’ whether his confession actually brought him one step closer to you or whatnot. He couldn’t figure out if you were ignoring him or if he was only over analyzing situations but you seemed to stop causing minor accidents to yourself in his line of vision. 

And of course he would notice the way you always seem to trip on nothing, it was moments that made you look far too peculiar – it made you stand out, and it was also one of your quirks that made him like you. 

He’s aware of the way you brush past him during lunch time, as if you were deliberately ignoring his existence, hurriedly venturing towards your friends, all while maintaining your gaze ahead of you with a forced smile. 

He hates that he’s always quick to notice this. 

He also notices the way that whenever you – unintentionally – make eye contact with him, you always turn your head away in a swift manner as you turn your back against him. And upon noticing your behavior, he could only sigh to himself in regret. Maybe there was a small loud voice at the back of his mind saying he regret all of — this. 

Though for some reason, he always failed to see that whenever you turned your back to him, your eyebrows would be furrowed as you held a panic expression. And to say that you were calm was an understatement, fuck no, you were freaking out on the inside. 

“Y/N has a crush!” 

The moment you approached your friends, one of them shouted rather loudly, catching people’s attention while you hissed. 

“No I don’t!” 

One of your friends locked her arm with yours as she smiled. “You do.” 

“I don’t.” You shook your head profusely, letting your senses drown in amidst chaos that was occurring within your circle of friends, all them were shooting you questions back and forth. “I never liked someone, what are you talking about?” 

“… oh, what about Tsukishima?” 

You opened your mouth to speak but no words went by, so you opted to send a glare on their way. A hiss leaving past your lips, “You’re too loud!” 

“Oh? Did Y/N not deny that she has a crush on Tsukishima?” 

“Sounds about right.”

“They’d be so cute!” 

You sighed. “If I admit that I do have a crush on him, would you guys shut up?” 

“Sure, sure.”

“Definitely, but we’ll still tease you.” 

“Mhm.” 

“I think he lost interest in me.” You sighed. “It’s because I’ve been ignoring him, right?” One of your friends took a step forward towards you to place her hand on your shoulder, patting you making you look up. She lifted her hand up to point it behind you.

“Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are walking this way. Don’t you want to talk to him?” 

Looking back at her with a slightly crestfallen expression. “I’m pretty certain he doesn’t want to talk to me, after all the ignoring I’ve been doing lately, he’s probably thought that I’m ignoring him because I don’t like him.” You admitted, mumbling. 

“Y/N, shut up. You like him, he likes you. What’s stopping you from confessing?”

You opened your mouth to speak but she raised her hand. 

“Shyness? I don’t think so.” She shakes her head. “Go on, just walk up to him and go ‘can we talk?’ on him. That’s what he did before, didn’t he?” 

You purse your lips. 

“Okay.” 

Turning your back against them (them as in your friends – who seemed to figuratively whisper to each other in amusement) as you begin to walk towards the duo, your hands starting to go cold as you walk. 

And even while walking in a straight line, you don’t know how — or what even had occurred, but you tripped. 

Tripped on nothing. 

And to make it even more embarrassing?

You had tripped right in front of Tsukishima, once again. 

To say you were mortified was an understatement, it was disparaging to say the least. You could feel warmth creeping up on your cheeks as you scrunch your nose, closing your eyes as you took hold of the thing that was the closest to you —

his hand. 

_Oh my god._ You wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. 

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had fallen silent in amidst of your downfall, perhaps to pay respect to your embarrassment. Your friends had gone into a state of shock, too, but one of them was holding her hand up to her mouth as she began to look red from all the refrained laughters she was desperately trying to hide. You could certainly feel the second hand embarrassment from all the unknown eyes settled on your figure as you slowly stood up, eyes glued to your shoes as you mumbled. 

“I’m sorry.”

Quickly letting go of his hand, you place it on your side with an abashed expression. If the gods could look at you, they would be laughing at you; see the way you make yourself look so stupid in front of him – dear goodness, all you wanted to do was for the ground to magically swallow you up. 

“Ah.. it’s fine. Are you alright?” 

When you look up, instead of disguising his amusement, he wore a concerned expression on his face. Slightly confounded, you nodded silently. 

Gulping, you mustered up some courage. “Can we.. talk?” 

You manage to make eye contact with his friend, Yamaguchi, who only shot you a reassuring smile, a single nod coming from him as if he was giving you his approval. 

Tsukishima glanced behind your shoulder. “Sure.” 

“Okay.” You nod, biting the inside of your cheeks as you begin to walk out, refraining yourself from making any eye contact with any people within the vicinity to save yourself from breaking down – you only curled your hands up on your sides as Tsukishima silently followed behind you, not uttering out a single word that only led you on the edge (of your nervousness or sanity, you wondered if it’s both). 

You two reached the rooftop in a matter of minutes. You could feel the breeze brushing past you and it didn’t even ease the anxious emotion that kept washing up over you, the tension only beginning to build up as you remained silent. 

But fortunately, Tsukishima was the first to break the ice. 

“What did you want to talk about?” 

Placing your hands on the railings, you bite your lower lip before mumbling. “I like you.” 

“What?” 

“.. i like you.” 

“I know, I heard you the first time.” Tsukishima cuts you off. “Weren’t you keen on ignoring me for the past few days now?” 

“I.. I was ignoring you because I was confused, okay?” You breathed out, letting your hands fall onto your sides as they fiddled at the ends of your sweater. “Who wouldn’t be confused? I didn’t want to mistaken my feelings for you as a confusion so I tried to ignore you, you know, just an attempt to understand what I actually feel for you. And.. turns out (—you chuckle nervously—) the reason why I seem to always trip in front of you is because I always get distracted by you — it’s because I actually do like you even before you confessed.” 

What if I said the wrong thing? You bite on the inside of your cheek, letting your gaze fall to the ground. 

You anticipated that confessions were meant to feel like the world was closing in on you — that it felt like you could hear every beat of your heart thumping, sporadically, no rhythm but the pace was quick (and if you were to speak in a cheesy way: it’s like hearing the beat of your heart resonating against your ears). And the feeling of your blood rushing to your head as you sputter out. Your evident distraught expression made him sigh in response as he reached forward, taking your hand in his and interlacing his fingers with yours. 

“You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.” He murmured.

_Huh?_

You furrow your eyebrows, making the mistake to look up at his face in mere confusion, because the moment you two made eye contact – you were almost certain he (in a figurative sense) took your breath away, the way his eyes bore back into yours with a beam – you could perceive it as a glint of happiness, and the thought alone made you smile on your spot. 

“You’re an idiot too!” You retort. “You’re even blushing – from cheeks to the tips of your ears.” But even with a frown disguising the smile on your face, it only deliberately failed and caused you to give up and just smiled instead. 

He chuckled. 

“Who’s the idiot who keeps tripping in front of me then?” 

You took your hand away from his with a pout as he smiled back teasingly. 

And that was the start of your relationship.

* * *

You could only look back and reminisce about the past events that happened; letting it fall as a memory behind you as you and Tsukishima took a step forward into a new life — college. All had happened; graduation, all the farewell parties from both parts (him and his peers bidding goodbyes as a Karasuno volleyball member, and you and your friends going your separate ways to venture into a new chapter of life). 

Though maintaining the relationship while studying was difficult, even more difficult now that you and him were going into college, which meant less time for each other and more time being put into studying. It wasn’t like you were completely bothered, maybe in the slightest you were, but it wasn’t truly enough for you to constantly worry about pre-college hang outs that will be spent with him. Or the limited time that will be reminisced with your lover. 

After all, this was a step forward towards yours and his success. 

“Say..” You look up from your list, noticing that Tsukishima was already staring at you with an unreadable expression. “If you move in with me, would your parents approve?”

“You’re asking me to move in with you?” 

He turns his head away, mumbling. “If you want to – I mean.. We still need to get your parents’ approval, don’t we, dummy?” 

You raise a brow. “What about the rent?” 

“We’re both planning to have part time jobs. Let’s just find an apartment that’s well suited for broke college students.” 

“Kei..” you call out. “You’re going to be trying out for Sendai Frogs soon, aren’t you? That would take so much of your time, are you sure you want to take a part time job?” 

He shrugs. “I know and yes, it’s only a part time job, I can still manage.” 

“You’re going to work at Sendai City Museum right?” 

“Yeah, just a volunteer but they said they’ll pay me. I think I even secured a job spot from them, said that I’ll work for them for real when I graduate.” 

You smile, raising your hand up to ruffle his hair. “Well, I’ll be rooting for you, Ho-ta-ru.” 

He grunts in reply, choosing to ignore your jest and takes the list from your hands before scanning it with a tinge of feigned annoyance. 

And although he never admits it, you never fail to make him flustered. 

Tsukishima Kei thinks you are one of the best things that ever happened to him, perhaps even the one and two of the things he’s treasured the most. He’s learned to adapt himself to your wits like: if you suddenly trip on something, he’ll find himself instinctively reaching out for you or when you look at him with that smile of yours – he knew whatever he might be feeling at the moment, will be gone, vanished, and it honestly felt like the smile you held was only for him and for him to adore endlessly. 

But then again, he was still a stranger to his very own feelings – every profound discovery always kept him on edge, silently pondering if he was properly doing his job as a boyfriend. He desperately tried to abstain himself from all the unknown thoughts, but what can he do if up until now, the solemn feeling of inferiority had kept itself lingered deep within his mind? 

The forgings of his overthinking started to gradually keep up with him, and it didn’t help that he had less time to spend with you as college was going to start soon, including the fact that he was going to start his part time as a volunteer and you were opening up your small cooking business. He couldn’t help but let his worries wash over him, and on his account, he supposed that this was normal — the overthinking; the relationship was new after all, he was still experimenting with the odds. 

There were times where he wished you could be aware of the way he’s sent longing stares at your figure or the way he racked his mind for words; anything to establish the vulnerability he feels whenever he’s with you. 

But he’s scared. 

It’s silly enough for other people – he knows that.

He wasn’t even attempting to be indefinite with his emotions and he knew you weren’t that incognizant; but what can a man do if his deepest insecurities kept running through his head? 

“Good morning.” 

He opens his eyes to see you, fully dressed in a black turtleneck with a gold necklace complimenting your outfit, black jeans accompanying the outfit as you hover above him with a smile. 

“Wake up, sleepyhead, we’re going out.” 

He brings both of his hands to face, rubbing them before reaching for his glasses by the nightstand and putting it on. He remains glued to the bed though and stays rather calmly as he only blinks back at you. 

“It’s too early.” 

You tilt your head. “Huh? Check the time.” 

He does what he’s told and when he looks back at his mini clock, he could only frown at the bright 11:34 AM boring back at him in red. 

You sit at the edge of his bed and smile. “Did you sleep late?” 

He shakes his head. “No, I think it’s because of my dreams, they’re pretty weird like you.” 

He sits up before yawning, then leaned in towards you to press a kiss on your temple before proceeding to stand up. “I’ll take a quick shower, wait for me in the living room.” 

“Got it, four eyes.” 

He ignores the name and rolls his eyes in a playful manner (because this was a banter, and it’s one of these moments that he treasures so much). 

It took 3 days for you and him to move into your new apartment, an hour that was spared with yours and his mother telling the two of you the limitations as a college student, and 30 minutes for him to sulk silently as you two fix all of your things in place. 

“You’re kidding me, right?” 

You look up from your spot and watch as your boyfriend, Tsukishima, lets out a loud sigh. 

“The bakery is really 30 minutes away?” 

You nod. “I checked the map and calculated it for you when we came here – wait, actually we passed by the bakery earlier. I was going to tell you about it so we could stop by but I think they were closed.” 

In response to what you’ve said, he only simpered back and remained muted from his spot where he’s quietly putting all of your clothes inside the drawer. You only smiled and let out a giggle at his action, which caught his attention; before looking back at you with a frown, his lips forming a small pout. 

“Why are you laughing?” 

Carefully placing the book down, you saunter over his direction to wrap your arms around his waist. “Because… you’re cute?” 

He lets out a displeased sound. “You find amusement in my misery?” 

“Something like that – you look like a kid who’s about to throw a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted.” 

“I’m not a kid.” He huffs, rolling his eyes before pulling you closer to him. You only placed your cheek against his chest with a content sigh, relishing in the feeling of being under his warm touch. This was one of the times you truly valued – no chattering, no giggling or sound being emitted – only adhering to the feeling of warmth from each other.

“My bad, you’re a baby.” 

He playfully narrows his eyes at you. “At least I’m not an idiot who trips on air all the time.” 

“… but Kei.” You pout. “At least you like this idiot, right?” 

He sighed.

“Unfortunately.” 

“What do you mean unfortunately?” 

He huffed, bringing a hand to your cheek, caressing it softly as his gaze softened. You on the other hand, stilled under his touch as he remained quiet. 

It was cute until he applied pressure and pinched your cheek. 

A dissatisfied sound left your mouth as you stepped back from him, a scowl appearing on your lips as he turned his back against you, a mischievous smirk prancing on his lips. 

“That shit hurts.”

Before fully reverting his attention back to the clothes, he flicked your forehead. “Oh? You have to deal with it, you’re cute after all.” 

“Ha, you get urges to pinch cute people’s cheeks?” 

He deliberately turns his head to look at you for a second before shaking his head, a smile emitting from his lips. 

“No. Just you.” 

* * *

Communication. 

You figured that the key to a good relationship was two people sparing an adequate redundancy of their time to socialize together – to solve any left over predicament that may arise if not taken care of; that every pair of lovers need to communicate in order for a relationship to work out. 

You think that this mattered the most in your relationship with Tsukishima, as he was more closed-off than you, but even on his stead, he never really made the time to openly establish his true feelings for you. It wasn’t like the mere action had you feeling some sort of upset because this was a new relationship, you and him never really experienced what true love felt like — so this was normal right? 

The propensity to portray his exterior personality – and you weren’t exactly certain if he was refraining himself be the center of your topic or if he only wanted you to become comfortable with him; Tsukishima not only willingly let you be the center of your topic conversations, but only let you become his number one priority in his everyday life. 

Perhaps it was because he was attempting to abstain from his own insecurities by focusing his attention on other things — that he’d rather run off to hide instead of facing the present. 

God, he was a coward for being like this. 

(“You notice things easily, don’t you?” You ask him. 

He lets his book down and sighs. 

“What about it?”

You only rested your chin on your palm as you stared at him. 

“Does it bother you sometimes? That you perceive things easily, that even with things you don’t want to notice gets noticed by you because you’re so observant of your surroundings..?”) 

Generally speaking, it was helpful with certain aspects with his life: like for when he was playing volleyball, or during classes. 

With you? he wasn’t so sure. 

“I think I’m nervous.” You sighed, bringing your hand up to your face as you stared at the ceiling. The only warmth you could receive was the warmth from Tsukishima’s body beside you while darkness surrounded you, the only light source existing was the faint light coming from the window, the moon shining brightly. 

Tsukishima lets out a breath. “Me too.” 

Despite lying on your back, you crane your head to the side to gaze at his side profile. 

“You think we can do this?”

College? he thinks quietly. 

He pursed his lips and nodded. “It’s difficult but we’ll manage. Don’t worry too much — as long as we have days like this, talking about our feelings, we can work this out.” 

You smiled faintly. “Okay.” 

Although deep within you wasn’t content with his disclosed thoughts, you only remained quiet and agreed. 

If only you could talk about your feelings, too. You watched as his breathing became calm, eyes fluttering closed with a silent shift of his body. And not just keep your feelings bottled up inside you. 

Three consecutive months had gone by in a whim and under those months, trainings for Tsukishima was difficult, and clearly it was apparent for everyone — he was accepted into the team of Sendai Frogs, became a volunteer by the Sendai City Museum (in which they still pay him for his hard work), and he’s trying his best to manage your relationship. 

On the other hand, he couldn’t really put the blame on you for also shrouding the exhaustion on your face because of work and college (and to be honest? he thinks he’s one of the reasons why you always seem so tired). 

He appreciated you so much. 

Tsukishima not only appreciated you, but he found himself growing so attached to you – because everything about you felt so surreal to him; with the way you knowingly send him teasing glances whenever he sputters out because you stared at his face longer than 5 seconds, whenever you initiated a good make out session under the blanket of darkness with coldness surrounding you two – the present warmth only coming from both bodies’ heat and lips interlocked with each other, or whenever you show up at the gym with a small bag containing his snacks and lunch. 

He could list a thousand and only the image of you depicting a goofy smile on your face kept him going. 

“Kei!” 

Oh right, he had forgotten his lunch, didn’t he? 

Bidding an excuse from his teammates, he found himself walking towards you with pink cheeks, a frown curling up on his lips as he towered over you. You only leaned against the door with his pack of lunch being waved in front of you, “You forgot your lunch, Mr. Tsukishima Kei.”

He silently took the lunch from you and sighed. “Can we talk?” 

As if the gods were turning your fates, the smile on your face was immediately wiped out. 

“Sure. Why? Did something happen?” 

He shakes his head. “No, I just need to tell you something important.” 

You purse your lips. _Why can’t it be said now?_

He led you towards an empty hallway and for some reason, you could genuinely feel the way he was brandishing off a distressed aura, with the way he bit his lower lip, brows furrowed and mouth constantly opening agape with further hesitation. He lets both of his hands fall on his sides and bit the inside of his cheeks, taking a glance at the worried expression you sported on your face as you took a step closer to him. 

And suddenly, he could feel a strong sense of deja vu.

This felt like high school all over again. 

“Are you okay, baby? Is there something bothering you these days?” You reach up to cup his left cheek, and in return, he could only avert his gaze away from your concerned ones, a sigh emitting from his lips as he shook his head. “Then what’s wrong?” 

“I love you.” 

The hand on his cheek was deliberately retracted in a matter of seconds which took his attention immediately, but the moment he looked at you, he could make out the welled up tears at the sides of your eyes as you bit the inside of your cheeks. The sight of you tearing up only made him reach for you, bringing you close to his chest as he rested his chin on top of your head. 

“I’m sorry, I think I said it way too soon..”

He felt you shake your head, mumbling. “I love you too.” 

His grip on you tightened as he nodded. 

“We’re okay, right? There’s no unresolved feelings or problems that can happen anytime soon?” 

You shook your head against his chest, blinking back your tears. 

“No.. I don’t think so.” Honestly, I’m not even sure myself. 

He closed his eyes. “Can I ask you a question?” 

“Okay.” 

“Since when..?” The words left the tip of his tongue, as he pulled away gently from you, but kept one of your hands interlaced with his. 

You shrugged. “I just woke up one day and realized that, I do.. That I do love you.” You brought both of your hands together in front of you as you pressed a soft kiss on the back of his palm. “It’s just.. love is pretty complex, you meet someone, you get to know them well and then one day you start to get the thoughts and feelings that.. you love them. You start to get to know someone because they’re an interesting character, you start to like them because.” 

“Because..?” 

“You like someone because..” You smiled. “And you love someone despite.” 

He found himself staring at you in awe. 

“You seem to know a lot.” 

You smile, letting out a giggle. “I’m a genius, what can I say?” He rolls his eyes. “I’m kidding! I just read a lot of books.” 

“Okay then, genius. You know what?” He starts. 

You tilt your head to the side. “What?” 

Your eyes widened as he leaned towards you, quickly pressing his lips to yours as he pulled you closer to him. You felt yourself growing flustered under his touch as your lips began to interlock with each other, the grip he held on you beginning to grow firmer and as if he was… longing? 

He pulled away seconds later and rested his forehead against yours, lips parted as small breaths left past his mouth. 

“I love you.” 

You leaned in to press another peck on his lips before pushing him off. 

“I love you too, you big sap. Now go practice, I’ll see you at home, okay?” 

He smiled, letting his hand fall to his side as he watched you walk off, before momentarily turning back to face him and sending a flying kiss towards his direction. He could only playfully roll his eyes but remain smiling. Home. He briefly recalled the word you had uttered before leaving to go back to your classes and for some reason, it left a warm feeling within him — letting him dwell about the thought of you and just… home. 

You were his home. 

(okay, maybe he _is_ a sap after all). 

You concluded that living the college life was really arduous to overcome, sure it had sounded easy to be blunt about but it had its guises that made you run around in your own circles as you worry — from all the upcoming finals you had to take, the mini food business that was growing popularity (you weren’t bragging but it was gaining so much recognition; perhaps due to the fact that it was nearby the college where a lot of broke students resided: including you and Tsukishima), the apartment rent tax bills and all of this dilemma did not help you at all — including the fact that you seemed to grew weaker over the course of weeks from all the exasperation and tiredness of running around. 

You wished you could ask Tsukishima for help but you knew better than to ask someone who looks like he’s struggling with his personal problems. 

It also didn’t help that you two rarely see each other nowadays with the way he had several matches waiting for him, his volunteers becoming more frequent and that he, too, had finals of his own that he needed to worry for. 

To say you were longing for his attention was an understatement. 

You missed him a lot, but fuck, you were clueless on how you’ll approach him. 

You’d go home at night after you close the shop, only for you to see that your own lover had his back facing against you as he slept on his side of the bed, a frown always on his face as if he was afflicted. You supposed this was normal, all couples go through rough times, right? Maybe this was a mere predicament that you and him needed to resolve before it gradually turned into a nightmare. 

But as you lied beside him, your front facing his back as you bit your lower lip, you could only feel the tears welling up at the corner of your eyes as you blinked back. 

I miss you. You hesitantly reach for his back, only to stop when his body shifted. You let out a quiet breath before shifting your own position so that you were now facing your back against his own, letting out a shaky breath as you close your eyes, attempting to ignore the sullen ache that resided on your chest. 

From being deprived of his touch or feeling all too lonely..? 

You didn’t want to know. 

You woke up to an empty spot beside yours, his pillow pushed against you as if he placed it there purposely to keep you company. Pulling the pillow towards you, you only placed your chin on top of it as you smiled faintly. 

Even if you two weren’t spending time with each other these days, he still did the littlest things that he knew you would appreciate. 

Reaching for your phone from the nightstand, you dialed his number and situated the phone against your ear. It rang twice before he picked up, his voice immediately making you smile on your spot.

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” 

You nodded, even though he couldn’t see it. “Yea, you left early today?” 

He hummed from the other line. “Sorry, the coach told us to be here by 5 am for practice. You have classes today?” 

“.. no, it’s my rest day. Do you think you can come home early?” 

You hear him sigh. 

“What time?” 

Meekly, you speak out. “Maybe around 5? Let’s have dinner together, we haven’t spent time with each other for weeks now even though we live in the same house.” 

Tsukishima was quiet from the other line for a couple of seconds. In response to his silence, you bit your lower lip and casted your gaze to your spare hand, which gripped the sheets tightly. 

“I don’t think I can make it home early today. I have classes and a practice match today, sorry. Maybe next time, if you’re still up for it.”

You frowned. “Oh..” You blink back before forcing yourself to cheer up, feigning a cheerful voice. “Okay, good luck then! Do your best okay? I love you.” 

“Alright.” 

And then he hung up. 

The smile on your face was immediately replaced with a frown as you hug your knees, letting out a crestfallen breath before closing your eyes. 

— _Because since when did you start to become distant?_

You deduced that he was presumably just busy with college stuff – training, upcoming finals and even his volunteering that he couldn’t wind himself a spare time for you, even just for a matter of minutes. 

(Even 15 minutes of his time would suffice). 

You heard the door to your apartment unlocking at 9 pm, a quiet “I’m home” resonating throughout the vicinity, in which you peeked through from the bathroom with a smile. Taking off the towel from your hair, you watched as Tsukishima took off his shoes with a frown on his face. 

“How was your day?” 

You expected for him to walk towards you or even shoot you a small smile, but your expectations remained as nothing but a mere wish when he brushed past you with a tired breath. 

“Tired.” 

You looked back to the prepared food on the table, before speaking up. “Oh I brought some food from the shop—”

Tsukishima stopped on his tracks, glancing at you then at the table, before proceeding to shake his head. “I’ll just heat it up tomorrow, leave it there.” 

You stood frozen on your spot as you watched your boyfriend slowly disappear from your sight, as he ventured towards your shared bedroom. Your feet padded through the wooden floor as you quietly followed after him, stopping by the doorway to watch as he changed into his sleeping attire. Upon noticing your presence, he looks at you expectantly. 

“What?” 

You purse your lips, mumbling. “Are you mad at me?” 

He furrowed his brows, shooting you a look of disbelief as he huffed. “Why would I be mad at you? Did you do something?” 

You shake your head. 

“No, I just.. I think you’re mad.” 

He settled on the bed, plopping at the edge as he pats the vacant space beside him, beckoning you. “Come here.” 

Obliging to his words, you sat beside him and immediately, he gently pushed your head towards him as he pressed a kiss on your temple, mumbling. “I’m not mad at you, okay?” He lets out a tired sigh, casting his gaze on his lap. “I’m not really good with words but I’m not mad at you. I’m just tired of what’s happening lately.” 

You hummed. 

“I get what you mean. Finals are next week right?” 

He nodded. “Yes. Are we clear now?” 

He watches as you slightly nod your head, as if something was still bothering you — though deep within him knew what it was, he could only remain quiet and suggest that you two rest. 

That night, he didn’t sleep well. 

But little does he know, neither did you too. 

You supposed that your relationship was lying on a thin thread as of two weeks later; for two weeks you’ve watched as Tsukishima walks inside the house with a wearied expression, his shoulders slumped along with a frown lacing his lips. You watch as the man you loved, assures you that everything is okay, that this was part of a relationship — the times where you two would eventually drift apart (though he reassures you for one last time that, this, the foreboding predicament wouldn’t last because you two loved each other). 

You believed him, you really did. 

You also watched as he turned his back on you at your bed, leaving a void of space that seemed too cold, too far — too… lonesome. You also watched as he forgets, or what you always liked to reassure yourself (because god, you just wanted to hear those words from his mouth), forgets to say “I love you” like he meant it, because you loved him and if he didn’t want to say it you wouldn’t force him at all. 

Though at times, it did hurt you. 

You think all of this is okay too — because he says this was part of a relationship, but right now, you think you’re feeding yourself lies. 

“I’m home.” 

You lift your head from where you were reading, studying in silence for a brief second, before shooting him a smile. “Welcome home.” 

Tsukishima glances at the table. “The finals are already done, what are you studying for?” 

The smile on your face faltered because you realized that ever since you called him, you received an email, offering you an opportunity about your cooking business. 

“French.” You say. 

His eyebrows furrowed. “French?” 

You nodded. “I guess I never really got to tell you properly.. But um, a few weeks back I received an email about that, from a relative in France. She said she’ll love to take me in and help me build my business.”

“And..?” 

You cast your gaze back at your desk, biting your lip. “And I said yes.” 

He was silent for a minute. 

“When?” 

You look back at him with an inquisitive frown. “When? as in when do I leave?” 

He blinked back, shooting you a questioning look, no; scratch that, it was more of a taunting look, if you were to be honest. 

“In 6 months..” You mumbled. “Are you mad? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, it’s just.. we’ve been busy with our own lives that I couldn’t find the time to talk to you properly, you know? I really did want to tell you.. but—” 

“– obviously not enough that you had to wait for weeks before telling me?” He snapped, a scowl forming on his lips as he averts his gaze away from yours, letting out an irritated sigh. 

“I did want to tell you, but we were both busy with college and our own jobs.” 

“And you couldn’t even find a spare time to at least call me during your free time or at least what,” he huffs. “Tell me when we’re both at home?” 

You bit your lip, feeling your eyes well up. 

“We were both busy. Why are you even mad, I told you already didn’t I?” 

He brought a hand to his hair. “I don’t know.. did you even.. I don’t know, consider my opinion about this? You’re leaving Japan, Y/N – you’re going to France. I would’ve appreciated it if you sent me a text at least.” 

“I.. I’m sorry.. I got excited, you know? It’s an opportunity for me, to achieve my dreams, for me, for us.” 

Tsukishima shakes his head, letting out a breath. “And you couldn’t even think about my feelings? On what I would feel about this?” 

You stood up, slamming your hands on the desk as you shot him a glare, one that could rival the intense gaze he held. 

“Are you sure about that? Because one thing I knew is that all these time — all throughout, since what? day 1 of college? two weeks in college? All I’ve done is consider your feelings, I respected you and your privacy, never forced you to open up to me even though I badly wanted to hear your thoughts — because you know? I love you! I love you and..” You blinked back, staring back at him with a glare, though you supposed you held a tearful expression, the sullen tears streaming on your cheeks as you poured your feelings. “It hurts.. Why do you always prioritize me? Why don’t you want me to hear about your thoughts, your opinions? I’m not a mind reader. And sometimes I wish I was, you know why? it’s just so I could know what you’re thinking.” 

Tsukishima fell silent for a few seconds, he could almost visualize the bleary tears streaming on your face, the way you clenched your fists in frustration as you stared at him, and if he were to pinpoint even more, he could blatantly see you almost shaking. 

“Kei..” You called out, your voice ending up cracked, making you wince. “ _Please_.. talk to me.” 

He shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Or in other terms, ‘No, I’m not ready for this’. 

You fell back on your chair silently, keeping your gaze on your lap as you nodded, feeling defeated. 

He lets out a sigh, effectively catching your attention. “I think we need to break up.” 

You blinked back. “Wait – why?” 

He shifts his gaze away. 

“Call me childish, immature, or whatever you name it — but I don’t think I’m ready for this, I’m sorry, everything is just happening all of a sudden: matches, college, my part time job.. even you. I’m sorry for making you feel shitty, for making you feel like that.. I- I didn’t know.” Oh, he knew, he knew all too well the way you shifted your back against him too, the way you tried to hide your sniffling as he stared at the open space at midnights — he knew all too well. 

“This is just a fight.. do you really think a break up will solve this?” You reasoned, feeling desperate as you stood up, approaching him hesitantly.

“I was never good with words, Y/N.” 

“Was that a yes?” You questioned, voice getting louder as you felt an afflicted ache on your chest. “Answer me.” 

He gritted his teeth, sending you a glare. “If I did say yes, what would you do?” 

“Oh… really? One fight and you run off like a coward, is that it? We could still solve this like normal people if we both talked sincerely.” 

He shifted his body, starting to walk off the room and into your bedroom, shaking his head. 

“But we were never a normal couple, were we?” 

“… wait.” 

He stops on his tracks. 

When he turned his head to gaze back at you, the upfront smile you laced on your lips was almost genuine, almost, that it made him almost break into tears himself. But as he watched as tears still continued to stream down your face, he was deliberately reminded of this — the post-fight between you two, the way you shouted at him for him to speak (but how could he? how could a man like him casually open his whole heart to another person? speak his thoughts freely? be honest?

God, his heart has already been broken when his brother lied to him. 

“Sometimes I wonder what you’re thinking.” He recalls his friend, Yamaguchi, saying. 

“What?” 

“You never speak out your thoughts.” Yamaguchi shrugs. 

He could only furrow his eyebrows. What did he mean by that?) 

He knew now, though. 

He knew all too well what his good friend had uttered, what the profound words meant and this time, he wished he knew sooner. 

Because he always bottled up his feelings… 

“Can we.. just.. sleep tonight like normal people? Just for..” You swallowed. “the last time..? I just.. I really miss you, so much.” 

He gulps in response, because god, since when was guilt this quick to eat him up? 

You two reluctantly settled on the bed that night, with you tensed up beside him. He figures that this was, in fact, might be the last time you two would be sharing a bed because he never really wondered what tomorrow would bring. Would you still be sharing the apartment? Would he move out? Would you move out? He never knew. 

Gradually, he brought an arm around your waist and pulled you back on his chest as he rested his chin on top of your head, closing his eyes as you stiffened, biting your lips as tears silently streamed down your face because dear god did you miss this, dear god did you miss the way your boyfriend, Tsukishima, held you like he loved you so dearly, held you like his life depended on it. 

And dear god you never wanted this to end. 

But you could only bite your lips to refrain yourself from crying out a sob, and instead, let yourself be held in the arms of the man you loved, as the two of you rest within the silence of the night — to pretend that you two were okay. 

Tsukishima tightens his grip on you and for a second, you heard him sniffle. 

He didn’t say much, nor anything, but you could have sworn you heard him breathe out an ‘I love you’. 

And again, you two never got proper sleep that night. 

Tsukishima woke up rather late later that day and when he turned his head to his side, he saw an empty spot. He reluctantly placed his hand over your spot and felt the slight warm, as if you just left. He found himself trailing towards your shared drawer where he deliberately found himself opening your part of the drawer, only to see an empty space staring back at him, mocking him. He padded towards the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen, and everywhere in the apartment just to search for a trace of your whereabouts, because deep within him, he was hoping that yesterday wasn’t his dreadful nightmare.. 

Oh wait.. He stopped on his tracks and smiled bitterly. It wasn’t a nightmare, it really did happen.

He fished out his phone to see a phone notification, particularly a message notif. And when he opened the message, he could only blankly stare right at the message. 

“i left early.. i don’t think i can find the will to face you right now, i’m sorry. i hope you understand though. i already contacted my relatives about this and i moved my stuff back to our house where i’ll be staying for the meantime before i officially go to france. you can have the apartment to yourself, my payment of share is on top of the fridge. anddd, i wish you the best! love you :)” 

Sometimes, people just have regrets, don’t they?

**fin**.


	2. Desiderium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there are times where he wishes time reverts back to when he first met you and to the times he and you went through your first everything's. what he didn't wish for – was for himself to be reason behind your relationship's downfall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a sequel to 'are you bored, yet?' aaa pls enjoy :)

tsukishima heaved out a sigh, letting his eyes wander on the periwinkle cardigan that rested against his bedsheets — he could remotely reminisce that this was an article of clothing that held memories so dear to him, and the thought only left a tinge of bitterness on his tongue.

he recalls back to the times you reached out for him from an arm’s length, the words being spoken from your mouth as if you were enticing him.

dear god was he so whipped at the thought of you.

he sits back at the edge of the bed, reluctantly fishing out his phone from his coat as he gradually types out a number – the number he’s memorized so many times now – and when his phone begins to ring, he brings the device against his ear, letting his close eyes with a hopeful breath.

“… hello?”

his mouth falls slightly open as he blinks back, knowing that tears were beginning to well up at the corner of his eyes. and it hurt, hurt so much that he couldn’t even bring himself to voice out his thoughts.

“hotaru? why are you calling.. at 1 am?” he swallowed his uneasiness away and silently melted — you called him hotaru, a name he’s learned to gradually come to terms with — and as much as he used to hate the name with so much fiery, he pleaded to the gods that you call him, just one last time, hotaru.

(and maybe if it wasn’t kei, it can still suffice. because all he wanted was to hear your voice).

“i..” he licks his lips. “i’m just.. calling in to ask you how you’re doing.”

“at 1 am?”

“yeah.”

knowing you, he figures that you were most likely sporting a shocked expression on your face, but he remains mirthless and void of any reactions.

“i’m doing great actually, thanks for checking up on me.”

he smiles.

“are you still tripping in mid air?”

a chuckle resounded from the other line.

“i’m still the same person you met in high school, you know.”

“you were an absolute idiot back then, always somehow tripping in front of me.”

he hears you laugh this time and if he had the power to revert back time, he would – just to listen to that laugh once again.

“that was so embarrassing!” he hears you say.

he bites his lower lip and lets out a breath, hoping that you wouldn’t hear it.

“yeah..”

then it fell silent.

“kei?”

he hums. “what?”

“… why did you call me?” you softly ask. “i know you. you don’t just call people just to ask them how they are.”

he winces. perhaps the way you voiced out your interrogation to him with such frankness had his breath hitching, letting his thoughts cross each other multiple times as he desperately tries to rack his mind for an answer — anything would suffice, _for now,_ he thinks.

“… i don’t know.”

“kei.”

he lets his hand fiddle with his pocket as he blankly stares at his lap; his answer remains adhered at the back of his mind like glue as he sputters out another lie.

“is it bad to call you and ask you how you’re doing?”

you sigh.

“well no, but i’m just.. worried. i care for you, you know?”

his other hand curled up into a fist as he closed his eyes, his chest tightening. he shakes his head silently as he breathes out heavily, voice coming out in a shaky tone.

“i miss you.”

you remain quiet for several seconds from the other line, and he wondered if you were thinking (maybe you were crying? baffled? dear god he was so clueless).

instead of saying it back, you chose to say something else.

“i know..”

“i’m sorry – i love you, i told you that a countless times, haven’t i?” he feels his eyes glistening with tears as he blinks back to himself, suddenly feeling conscious of himself. he brings his curled up fist and unclenched it, wiping his tears away.

but no matter what he did, it just kept coming back.

he shakily breathes out. “i was an idiot back then; i can’t believe i let you go.”

he hears you laugh, bitterly, he might add.

“sometimes we have _regrets_ , don’t _we_?” though the tone of your voice was docile, he still flinches back, knowing all too well the reason behind what you’ve uttered.

there were two things tsukishima kei treasured the most: you and the way you two collided together like fire and water — and though it was inevitable like death itself, he still holds a distinct prayer for hope to rise, and maybe, just _maybe_ …

despite all the odds, then maybe you and him can be together once again.


End file.
